Teen Shoplyfter Will Never Steal Anything Again
"My fourteen yr old girl was arrested for shoplifting make-up this week," said Marie, a working female parent of two girls. "Is this just normal teen behavior, or is information technology something more serious? She's grounded for a month and I've taken away her iPhone and computer privileges, but to tell the truth, I'g even so in shock. I'thou furious and I don't even know how to talk to her about what she did."
No matter what parents you accept, no affair what mental health diagnosis, no thing what stage you're in, it'south wrong to steal because it hurts others.
Many parents take asked me over the years, "Is shoplifting a candy bar or cosmetics or clothes the same as stealing?" The truth is, stealing is stealing. It's criminal, hating and worst of all, it corrodes a child's development, graphic symbol and integrity through the utilise of justifications and excuses. Yet, shoplifting candy bars from a store and stealing with aggression are 2 very different acts.
Stealing is wrong, and the best style to sympathise it is to examine your child's thinking. Kids who steal oft feel entitled to what they're stealing, even though they or their parents can't afford information technology. There is a fierce sense of competitiveness amongst teens and pre-teens these days regarding having the cool stuff, wearing the hip clothes, and sporting hot make-up or accessories. Many kids will resort to stealing as a response to this phenomenon. Sometimes kids fifty-fifty steal for the sense of excitement it gives them, or do information technology under peer pressure.
A big part of the trouble is that our guild's bulletin is completely absent of a strongly objective morality. In most movies and songs today, the bad guys do skilful things and the proficient guys practice bad things, and everybody looks the same. So kids justify what they're doing. Information technology's non surprising when kids develop these clashing feelings virtually integrity, character and the difference between correct and incorrect.
The "Five Finger Discount"—What's Behind a Child's Thinking When He Shoplifts?
A kid'south thinking behind this type of behavior is that "No one will get hurt and the shop has a lot of money." They rationalize that they need to have this stuff in gild to be accustomed. They might say, "My parents won't permit me to purchase clothing or makeup like this, so I accept to steal it." But remember this: Information technology'south our job every bit parents, teachers and therapists to strongly defend the concept that stealing is wrong. Tell your children this: "Stealing is wrong for two reasons: It's illegal and puts you at run a risk of being arrested and prosecuted. It's as well hurtful because when you take something that doesn't belong to you, somewhere, someone downwardly the line is beingness hurt." Make it real to your child by explaining that if they shoplift cosmetics or video games, the company adjusts its price up to insulate itself, and all the balance of us pay a little more for it considering of information technology.
If your kid is caught stealing, in all cases, there needs to be meaningful consequences for the beliefs. To you every bit a parent, the about important aspect of your child'southward conclusion to steal is the way of thinking that preceded the stealing. She should pay whatever the consequences are for stealing, and besides write an essay on how she justified it. Ask her, "What were y'all thinking earlier yous stole this?" Remember this: It is in the exam of the justifications and excuses where the true learning will have place.
Certainly consequences like making her take the stolen particular back to the store, apologizing and making financial amends are all very good parts of the equation. That kind of accountability can be very productive in deterring futurity stealing, if accompanied by an test of the faulty thinking which drove them to do it. Y'all as well might give them the effect of, "You lot tin can't go to the mall for 2 weeks. Ii weeks of no stealing." If parents ask me, "How practice I know?" I say "Don't worry nearly information technology. They demand to get another chance. Y'all're not there to be a cop." Always requite them the run a risk to earn your trust back.
Stealing with Aggression: A Whole Different Mindset
"Aggression" means a "threat of harm or violence or the use of impairment or violence." Some kids have gotten to a level of stealing where they are willing to physically assault someone else to have what they want. When dealing with stealing with aggression, the focus has to exist on very strong consequences to deter futurity behavior, as well equally a very focused examination of the thoughts, non the feelings, the thoughts which underlie this type of beliefs. When people steal with aggression, they're clearly maxim, "I want that bad plenty that I'll hurt you if you don't give information technology to me," which is very different than a shoplifter who says, "This won't injure the visitor, they have a lot of money." It'due south a very dissimilar mindset and has to exist addressed with vigor.
Let me exist clear: Stealing with aggression is hardcore hating behavior. When you deal with individuals who exhibit criminal behavior, you'll ofttimes find that one-on-1, they can be very charming, pleasant, and intelligent. Many criminals accept advanced social manipulative skills. The difference betwixt a criminal and a non-criminal is that the criminal is willing to utilise violence and aggression to become what he wants, while the non-criminal has very strong boundaries in those areas. So when children are willing to utilize violence and aggression to become their way, it can be a key indicator that they are quite far down the wrong path. Of course in that location are always isolated incidents where kids will threaten other kids to get their way. Boyish bravado tin sometimes lead to threats. The astute adult has to ferret out which is which. Only make no mistake, if your child is using threats of violence and aggression to steal, he has to be dealt with very sternly. Over again, it is very difficult to counteract the media forces in our society which constantly advocate aggression and violence as legitimate ways to solve problems. Our media promotes the idea that if you lot want or need something bad enough and you have a good alibi-making organisation in place, yous can justify anything. And you can use assailment and violence to achieve your end.
Then hither'due south the message kids are getting: "If y'all can justify it, then it's OK to do it." And we all know that kids can justify annihilation. So society has to react very strongly to aggression and threats involving stealing or annihilation else. I mean, await around you. Look at all the violence and aggression, senseless killing. Now think virtually this: in the minds of the kids who are committing that violence they believe it's the OK thing to practise. If yous look beneath the violence, to the thinking patterns, it's very scary. That'due south why you see situations like Columbine and Virginia Tech, where kids commit horrible violence on other kids and justify information technology because they perceive themselves as victims. Stealing is wrong and hurtful. But stealing with aggression and violence is much more than problematic and needs to be dealt with aggressively.
If Your Child is Stealing within the Family, Everyone is Paying the Price
It's mutual to hear that kids steal from their family members. Younger kids after all don't accept the level of moral evolution that leads to them understanding that this blazon of stealing is wrong and hurtful. This has to be taught with patience and compactness. Stealing within the family should have the same consequences as stealing from a store, whether information technology's from a sibling or a parent. Labeling, yelling and name-calling does not alter the behavior. Discussions about the rights of others and respect for other's property, followed by a consequence the child must carry out, are the preferred ways of dealing with theft in the family.
For young children, a consequence might be that they go to their room with the door open for 15 minutes, at the end of which time you come in and talk with them about stealing. Focus on the child realizing he was incorrect, instead of just maxim he is sad. As kids become older, other consequences come up into play, like paying rent for the stolen property, paying back the stolen money, and loss of social privileges. Tell them you're taking abroad their privileges because you're not sure they tin can be trusted exterior of the house. Don't forget that if someone is unsafe or untrustworthy in the firm, there should be real concern most what kind of trouble they might get into outside of the house where there is fifty-fifty less structure.
Volume and frequency of the stealing are also important to address. If a pre-adolescent or adolescent steals a large corporeality of money, which is measured compared to what the family has, the law should exist chosen and you should exist starting the legal process. This is designed to agree that kid legally responsible, not just family unit-responsible. The supposition here is that you've tried all you can within the family unit and it's not working, and that at present the police have to get involved. Stealing is a offense. These acts should be looked at as criminal acts more than than as mental health problems. While mental health issues may be involved, adults who have mental health problems are punished for stealing just like adults without mental health problems. Prisons and correctional institutions are full of people with mental wellness problems who likewise stole. They're not in jail for mental health bug, they're in jail for stealing.
If there'southward a high frequency of theft, or stealing for no apparent reason or the hoarding of food, that tin indicate deeper psychological forces at play. These kids need to be assessed to see if there's a therapeutic response to their behavior. Only make no basic about it, they as well demand to be held accountable in the home too as outside of the abode for their antisocial behavior.
Although stealing may be a symptom of a larger problem, it is notwithstanding stealing. The lesson about non stealing has to be reinforced and the kid has to exist held accountable. We tin't make excuses about hating and harmful behavior even when it occurs in the home. Call back, you're trying to produce a person who tin function safely and productively in developed society. Excusing stealing volition non produce that person. Sometimes parents minimize this behavior and it comes dorsum to hurt them later on.
Related content: Kids Stealing from Parents: What Y'all Need to Know
When Your Trust is Betrayed: How to let Your Kid Earn it Back
The sense of betrayal that parents experience after their kid has stolen from them is very existent and should be addressed openly. If it's a younger child, certainly the emotion should be screened out of it, and your child should be taught well-nigh trust. The fashion you'd explain trust to a younger kid is by proverb, "Stealing is hurtful and if somebody trusts you, information technology's of import not to hurt them." Explain that trust is really a word nosotros use for depending upon other people to do certain things or to not do certain things. The stronger that our belief is that they won't injure us, the deeper the sense of violation is. As kids get older and get teens, I think that their loyalties and allegiances are torn between the values of their peer group and the values of their family. Very frequently there'south a contradiction between the two. This contradiction needs to be tolerated by parents to a certain caste considering the teenager's developmental part is to become an private. And ane of the ways that teens do that is by pushing their parents away and past rebelling against family norms and values. A sure amount of rebelliousness should be tolerated. Yet, a teenager stealing from parents is not an deed of rebelliousness. Information technology's a violation of trust and it'southward the committee of a petty crime in an arena where the teen doesn't feel there will be astringent consequences.
If there are several acts of stealing, they should exist dealt with sternly in the family, using the behavioral concepts that I mentioned before. If there is major stealing of money and other valuables, the parents should consider involving the police and pressing charges. Although this seems harsh, the principles behind it are piece of cake to understand. If a teen is stealing from yous considering he perceives you as being weak and if family consequences aren't helping with that, the family needs to seek outside assist in society to strengthen itself. Secondly, and this is very important, if kids get away with stealing valuables from home, they're going to develop a value system which allows for stealing any time the person tin justify information technology. When I have gone to youth detention centers to talk to the teens I was working with about the crimes that got them at that place, they invariably had a justification for it. That type of justification, or what nosotros call an "alibi system," is developed and reinforced at dwelling. In curt, teens develop a way of thinking to justify their teenage beliefs. They develop an alibi for everything. In one case that alibi organisation becomes criminalized, you'll encounter an increase in the amount of hating beliefs such every bit stealing, drug use, and sometimes assailment. Parents who insulate kids from the consequences of their behavior are only extending, supporting and reinforcing the bad judgments that atomic number 82 to those behaviors.
The fashion trust is won back: for younger kids, they should be told what to practise in guild for the family to feel like they trust them once again. "Don't take your blood brother's things so I can trust you to be upstairs alone. If y'all steal something from your older brother, you lot can't go upstairs unsupervised." Brand the child uncomfortable. Consequences make them uncomfortable. You tin can lead a horse to h2o, but you tin can't make them drink—but you can make them thirsty. Consequences are designed to make the child thirsty.
In addition, positive statements about trust should be made frequently with younger kids. "When you handle it that style, I know I tin trust yous." Model the values you want your younger kids to have and identify them. Make statements similar, "Information technology'due south good when you tell me the truth. I know I can trust you downstairs with the Television. I know I tin can trust you to go into my bedroom." The more than nosotros say statements similar that, that yous come across what your kid is doing, or you hear what they're maxim, the more real it makes them feel. With older kids who steal, information technology'southward important to say, "You've lost my trust, and therefore you can't go upstairs lone. I don't think I'm going to be able to trust you around money again. So I'm going to close my bedroom door and you tin't go in anymore." In that location are parents who put locks on their doors, and I think kids should pay for those locks. Only always give them a means to earn that trust dorsum, either in that chat or a subsequent one.
Is Your Child Stealing Chronically?
If a kid steals chronically, earning a parent's trust back is the least of his problems. Because he's already developing an alibi system that says information technology's OK to hurt the people you love. There are plenty of parents who don't trust their kids around their money and valuables. In today'due south club, parents are second class citizens and there's almost a societal expectation that their kids will abuse them and that they should take it, and that's just crazy. That expectation is expressed in justifications like, "All kids steal, all kids prevarication, kids sometimes lose their temper." Only certainly all kids don't prevarication or steal to the same caste, nor do all kids verbally abuse their parents and break things in the dwelling. And when they do, they need to be held strictly accountable.
Right and Incorrect: There is a Divergence
I truly understand with what parents are up against these days. The concept of correct and wrong has taken a real beating in our recent history. Information technology's been replaced past the concepts of "consumerism" and "possessiveness." Therefore, when you tell kids it is wrong to steal, they have limited formal moral and ethical training to use as a reference point, and whatever moral and ethical training they have is easily drowned out by the media, which screams at them constantly. And at that place'southward besides much excuse-making for kids' behavior. Adults say "Information technology'southward simply a phase he's going through." Or he has Add. Or his father is an alcoholic. And they keep making those excuses until the kid is in serious trouble. Things like developmental stages or mental health diagnoses or family unit influences have to be dealt with as carve up issues from the stealing or aggression. Do these issues need to be addressed? Of course they do. Are they significant? Admittedly. Should they be allowed to justify stealing or aggression? Never. No thing what parents you lot have, no matter what mental health diagnosis, no thing what stage you're in, it'south wrong to steal because it hurts others.
That has to exist black and white to everybody.
Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/child-stealing-can-advice-parents-kids-stealing-shoplifting/
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